- Air Date: 12/12/2012
- Directed By: Jeremy Podeswa
- Starring: Zachary Quinto, Sarah Paulson, Lizzie Brocheré, James Cromwell, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters
- Guest Stars: Ian McShane, Frances Conroy
It’s a bold move to open up with a new person and an even bolder move to skin them alive. We open this week with Dylan McDermott, who has unfortunately remedied his allergy to shirts, sitting in an aversion therapist’s office. While it’s becoming clearer and clearer that we’re not dealing with your usual aversion therapy, McDermott dramatically rises and proclaims that his last name is Thredson and that he is the son of Bloody Face, though saying he was “Bloody Face Junior” would have been more succinct and adorable.
Back to the sixties where Sister Mary Eunice informs Lana that she is pregnant and recommends a Drano-Margarita. Before she can give Lana the recipe, Sister Mary Eunice assures her that Briarcliff is a perfectly lovely place to give birth to an illegitimate child and then have it swiftly placed in foster care ,which I believe is the premise for TEEN MOM – THE PREQUEL.
Elsewhere in Briarcliff, Sister Jude is strapped to a bed because Sister Mary Eunice, Dr. Arden, and Ian McShane have all sworn that it was Jude who killed Security Guy Frank in the last episode. Also, surprise! Everyone’s favorite murderous Santa is back for more this time, with a groovy neck bandage. Monsignor Timothy informs Jude that she’s been stripped of her nun title and will be a patient of Briarcliff. He then brings in Ian McShane who says he forgives Jude for stabbing him, causing more protests from the crazy lady strapped to the bed. Monsignor Timothy looks on in bewilderment, which makes him seem more like a lost puppy that likes saving things rather than a corrupt upper-level Catholic servant.
Meanwhile, Kit and Lana conspire to trap Thredson and exonerate Kit. Lana visits Thredson, then — using the baby as leverage — gets Thredson to reveal a whooooooole bunch of stuff, which they record. As Kit hides the tape away for safe keeping, Arden appears and says he believes what Kit has been saying about the aliens. Arden believes both Grace and Alma’s disappearances are tied to Kit, so the way to get the aliens is to bring Kit to the verge of death so they (the aliens) will appear and save him. I believe this logic is covered in the appendix of MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.
In the basement, Lana swipes some coat hangers, which I assume she needs to hang up her patient gowns. Right? Right. She then unspools them, which means she’s making a larger hanger, right? Then she uses the unspooled hangers to stab her pillow because I guess it’s too fluffy. She goes to find Thredson to show him her awesome sculpture, only to find that he’s escaped. Which is his loss really, that fort had a lot of potential.
Lana returns to the common room as Sister Jude makes her first appearance as a patient. She goes to Lana and apologizes for everything she’s done to her. They sit, smoking, both looking surprisingly good for what’s happened to them. Maybe somewhere they’ve already started marketing the Briarcliff Detox Diet.
Dr. Arden successfully manages to almost kill Kit. The aliens appear right on schedule. And we see a heavily pregnant Grace who is being cared for by another inmate that has gone missing, Pepper, who tells Dr. Arden that Grace is full term. Again, Grace is radiantly glow-y and looks great. I would also like a book about the Alien Abduction Detox Diet.
Ian McShane appeals to Monsignor Timothy to baptize him and confirm his repentance. Puppy Eyes agrees immediately, and Ian McShane attempts to drown Monsignor and then crucifies him. Then our Angel of Death visits Timothy on the cross. And then black. And while Briarcliff will go silent for a few weeks I’ll be back in the New Year to carry us through the end. Who knows, maybe there will be a Christmas miracle and all the inmates and staff will get hot alien makeovers.
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