Every day thousands of Americans struggle with a debilitating disease that keeps them awake at night and puts their health at risk. It is a sickness they keep hidden from their loved ones, frightful of the rejection and disgust it would result in from the outside world. A monstrous infection that literally tears them up inside. Some venture so far as to call it a curse.
If you or someone you care about is afflicted with Lycanthropy, it is important to know that this condition is not terminal and that you are not alone. Many Americans diagnosed with Lycanthropy lead normal, healthy lives full of love, laughter, and successful careers simply by choosing to live within the confines of their condition. Yes, your life will change. But that doesn’t mean that your life is over.
Firstly, if you suspect you’ve been infected with Lycanthropy DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE FULL MOON TO FIND OUT! This is incredibly dangerous and could result in the deaths or fatal injuries of you, your loved ones, and/or innocent bystanders. The initial outbreak is far too powerful to control, as your bloodlust and sex drive will skyrocket. It is best to find out beforehand to prepare safety measures for your first transformation. The following are questions you can ask to tell if you might be infected:
- Was I recently bitten by a wolf?
- Has my body hair gotten thicker, coarser, darker?
- Do I smell better? (Your nose)
- Do I smell worse? (Your odor)
- Do I have increased physical stamina and strength?
- Do I often find excuses to take my shirt off?
One sure-fire test is to go to a pet store. If you find that all the dogs howl and all the cats hiss simultaneously, you are most likely a Werewolf. If you are concerned about this test because you have pet allergies, congratulations! That will no longer be an issue for you.
So now that you know you are Lycanthropy Positive, it’s important to read these next steps as you learn to live with your condition:
This is always good advice, but it’s imperative for those affected with Lycanthropy. You should keep a regular sleep schedule, waking at dawn and going to bed early in the evening, just after sunset. You want to avoid the night as much as possible, as the moonlight affects your animal instincts. And being caught in the full moon will be a disaster. Make certain to keep a schedule of your ‘time of the month’ and to lock yourself alone in a sturdy room with no windows. A lock on the door is a must, as in your transformed state you will not be able to effectively manipulate a lock and key.
Diet and exercise come into play in regards to keeping your animal rage on an even keel. By eating a nutritious, balanced diet and exercising regularly you won’t be craving to fulfill these urges upon the outbreak. This will make you more likely not to break down your door, run amok, and eat people.
This one is fairly obvious but you’d never suspect how many people overlook it. As a Werewolf, silver is fatal. Being shot with a silver bullet or stabbed with a silver blade can end your life, and even being near it can cause painful illness. As such, make sure to throw out all of your silverware. You’ll be dining with plastic utensils from now on. If you’re concerned about the environment, you can purchase a wooden set. Those are only dangerous to Vampires. And to hell with those guys.
Those disposable CVS blades won’t cut it anymore, literally. The reinforced hair follicles are much too tough upon the spread of Lycanthropy through the bloodstream. By using an electric groomer you’ll bypass the danger of getting in-grown hairs and skin rashes, which are much more painful with a breakout of Werewolf hair. Really it’s best to avoid shaving to the skin and opt for trimming instead, giving yourself the permanent 5 o’clock shadow. And don’t wax. NEVER wax.
Let’s be honest, even the most effective protection only works 99.9% of the time. You will not control every transformation and it is very likely that you will get out. Though your conscience will be consumed with the guilt of massacring dozens of innocent people, let’s save yourself the extra embarrassment of waking up in the middle of nowhere, covered in blood and entrails AND being naked on top of that.
The most well-known Wolfmen almost always maintained their dignity by trusting their legs to a good pair of britches. It’s been rumored that celebrity spokesman and affected Lycanthrope Hugh Jackman manages to cover up with a designer wolf’s mane thong. Google it.
But for those of you with a bit more modesty, make sure to look for whatever brand the HULK wears. You know the ones with extra elastic in the waistband — comfort and security all in one pair of pants.
One of the most difficult things about being diagnosed is being honest about your condition with your friends, family, and loved ones. Confessing may be daunting; rejection, disgust, and anger are often very real reactions people have to news of the disease. However, this is simply because they are uneducated on the condition. Share with them the information you’ve learned here and make sure to explain that it’s okay to lead a healthy, full life with Lycanthropy. Be open about your own concerns and try to get them to see it from your point of view. True, you will likely lose some friends after this, but you can always eat them if they’re going to be mean about it.
It’s especially important to tell those you are engaged in a sexual relationship with, as they are at high risk to become infected. In order to not spread the reach of Lycanthropy, you must take precautions to maintain safety in your continued sexual encounters: Keep your finger and toenails cut short to avoid scratching (this is good advice for anyone, really), make sure your partner has a trace amount of silver or animal tranquilizers on hand should you get too riley. You may also want to consider purchasing a muzzle to wear during romantic escapades. Then again, for some, danger is a turn-on.
Remember you are NOT a monster. You are a person. Who just happens to turn into a werewolf every now and again. And that’s okay.
You may find yourself shunned by society, but be aware that there are support groups online willing to talk and hear you out. Though it may be a tough life to adjust to, there’s no reason you can’t be happy. Just like living, there are plenty of ways you can find love with Lycanthropy. Dog lovers. Blind people. Furries.
The world is just as sick and twisted as you are, after all…
