Based solely on the title of Lucky McKee’s (MAY, THE WOODS) ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE, I had a kind of preternatural premonition that I would be enjoying this one. Hell, based on that title, I can’t believe ol’ Lucky himself didn’t call yours cruelly and have him introduce the film like some sort of sexy William Castle (which totally could have happened if I was available, but of course, my duties to the House that Fearsome Forry built have kept me too busy to make cameos).
So was my uncanny ability to completely judge whether I’ll like a movie or not based solely on its title still the stuff of legend, dear fiends? Of course it was! The Ouija Board Kid Daniel XIII is ne’er wrong about such things (well, mostly never—I was a little off on what I’d imagined NAKED LUNCH to be about, but at least it was raining when I went to see it so the raincoat made sense)! Let’s get out our pom-poms and see how this one shakes out!
Our tale of cheer and chills begins with Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) witnessing her friend Alexis (Felisha Cooper) doing an impression of CIRCUS ATARI while showing off some cheerleading moves. Alexis’s boyfriend Terry (Tom Williamson) begins the long and winding road of dealing with the grief of his beloved’s death by immediately hookin’ up with Tracy (Brooke Butler). So, as all good friends would do, ol’ Mads joins the cheerleading squad to become a high school Paul Kersey (minus the mustache, thankfully) and stick it to ol’ Terry and Tracy. How does she hope to accomplish this? By making them doubt their already dubious fidelity, and by of course making out with Tracy (XIII sense tingling… this will be a great film… ). Before you know it all of the cheerleaders are killed in a horrific car crash after Terry makes like Little Mac all over Tracy’s face. The End.
Wait, there’s still half the movie left? What can they do to fill up this run-time? Oh, right, I forgot to mention that Maddy’s ex-girlfriend, Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee) is a witch (there’s one in every high school, right?), so she of course resurrects the squad as vampiric zombies with a new found penchant for walkin’ around in slow motion montages set to kitschy music choices. They also share a hive-mind that allows them to experience shared orgasms, have glow-y bits due to the magic stones shoved inside of them to give them life, and have super-human strength… exactly like all of my ex-ghoulfiends.
As you can surmise from my rambunctious ramblin’s above, this film is a bit like a Reese’s peanut butter cup; it attempts to blend your standard revenge chocolate with your zombie movie peanut butter, and for me it’s that audacity that makes this flick a must-see! The only real negative thing I could say about the film is that some of the CG work is a tad dodgy, but whatever. ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE is a perfect example of the kind of bold-assery that our beloved genre needs! I’m givin’ this one 4.5 Be Aggressive, Be, Be Aggressives out of 5!
Show your school spirit (and bloodlust) and pick up a copy of ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE right here!
RELEASE DATE: 7/22/14 on Blu-ray and DVD
WRITTEN BY: Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson
DIRECTED BY: Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson
STARRING: Caitlin Stasey, Sianoa Smit-McPhee, Tom Williamson
Review by Daniel XIII